I’ve come to the realization that I am not a medical person. Previously, I had felt faint when my neighbor started telling me about difficulties in her pregnancy. Then other times I would get queasy from seeing people after they had surgery, or anything that made them look different.
Friday night, I was sitting outside and my neighbor comes out, I ask her how she’s feeling, since previously she’s been coughing a lot. Then she tells me a real shocker. At first I thought she said something about a lachter. Then she said she had a lump so she went to the doctor. The doctor said it was a benign tumor. When I heard this I felt faint, it was a good thing I was sitting already, but I wanted to rush into my house. I got really scared when I heard this, and to me it sounded like a big thing, I almost started crying.
But I couldn’t run into my house since my neighbor was talking to me, so I had to listen. So she was telling me how she went to her husband’s aunt that’s a doctor in a hospital in NJ. She told me how they treated her good because of that, that she was treated like gold, and that it was like a family visit. But to me it sounded like she was trying to make the situation sound better than it really is. As though she was covering up how scared she was, by telling me how nicely they treated her, and this made me more sad.
The whole Friday night I was tossing and turning in bed, and couldn’t fall asleep, cause I was really worried about her. I realized I’m not an adult in this way, and think like a child with an overactive imagination. As soon as I hear certain words I get really scared, even though she may be ok, to me it sounds worse.
One thing that really troubles me, is that she said she had the lump since February and just didn’t bother going to the doctor till now. Since she was pregnant and thought it might just be a fat deposit, cause that’s supposed to be a common thing. But I don’t get this, I’m not sure what goes on behind closed bedroom doors, but I would imagine the husband sees the wife? would he not realize that something is wrong with her? why didn’t he make her go to the doctor earlier? or did he not even notice it? She said she can’t get the tumor removed for a while, since she’s in her 6th month, and she’s going to wait till after she has the baby, and after she nurses it. She said the lump will grow bigger over time, but that it will be okay. I’m really scared about this.
As I was thinking about this all, I came to the realization of what I’m scared of. It’s not that I’m scared of special people, but rather I’m scared of the disease or illness that they have. Even after my own mother and sister had surgery, I got nauseous from looking at them, and it took a while for me to adjust to the yellow coloring of the antiseptic, or the swollen look of the face. So when I see sick people, I get scared because it pains me and I feel bad for what their going through. It’s because I don’t know anything about what their going through, and I don’t know how to deal with it.