Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Yentas/Shadchanim

Now I’ve heard of the stereotype of shadchanim of being Yentas who talk a certain way which is very comical. I always thought that was just in movies like Fiddler on the Roof, and in the olden days. I didn’t know they still exist. Today I came upon one and it got me thinking.

I had come to school to find class cancelled, I was unsure if I should stay in school to wait for my next class to start or if I should go back home, since there was 3 hours between the two. I remember in 6th grade my teacher told us that “Mother’s know best” and that mothers are always right. So I called my mother and asked her what she think I should do, and she suggested I go home.

So I went home, and as I was on the city bus I overheard this Jewish lady on the cell phone. Now she was the yenta/shadchan type that I heard about but yet never saw. She was talking in a loud voice, in a certain tone that can only be described as a “Yenta tone”. She said “the girl is 5’7, slim”. Then this non Jewish lady turns to look at her, she doesn’t notice and continues. “She’s bubbly, she’s a very good girl…”.

I was thinking, it’s very nice that this lady is helping out and wants to make a shidduch, but I couldn’t help feel bad for the girl. To me this all sounds very degrading, it’s as if the shadchan is making a sales pitch, trying to sell off the girl. I just don’t like the way it sounds for a girl to be on the market and sold off to someone else. It seems like such Chutzpah.

Why is it that the guys are the ones who have the mitzvah to get married, and yet nobody goes around selling the guys? It’s always the girls being sold. Why are guys the one’s with waiting lists of girls? I think waiting lists are another degrading thing to a girl.

Oops, did I just write a Shidduch post?

Then as I was walking home I saw a Pretty weed!

p_00025

 

Now that can have all kinds of connotations, so many ways to tie it into my thoughts.

 

 

One last thought, why do men always pick up their coats/jackets before they sit down?

24 comments:

Itzhak Schier said...

BS"D

Any shadchan who is so hung up on things like height is probably not doing it leshem shamayim. I had quite an experience with one like that - and when she figured my height and therefore the height of girl I would be interested in, I think she added my hat to the equation.

Those flowers are not weeds; they grow where they do because birds or the wind scattered flower seeds from someone's garden or a park.

Moshe said...

Well, no one's forcing you to use a shadchan. You can do the OTD thing a meet the guy online. ;-)

Speaking of yentas. I went to Paperific with NY in the big Quatro Tour Duo of a tank carriage. In one of the aisles, 2 yentas, carts side by side, blocking the whole aisle, are standing and yapping. The one on the outside sees me and moves a tiny bit out of the way. Now here's a lesson kids, if you see a tank rolling towards you, get out of the way and quick or else. I rammed the cart and even managed to rip it out of the yenta's hands.
So fun :-D

Moshe said...

See, like I said on twitter, that's not weed. ;-)

Shorty said...

1) sitting on coats, maybe to not pull on it...you know to give some space at the shoulders

2) selling points - well, Shadchanim obviously recognize that well, people are human after all...and being fixed up in any culture is very scary. And unfortunately most people are hung up on appearances...and the Jewish culture is A LOT about appearances.

Leora said...

That is a CROCUS. Oy, we have to get you out of the city sometime. You plant crocuses in the fall, and they pop up early spring.

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with the girl being 5'7" and slim and bubbly. We live in a very superficial world - both goyim and Jews - and whether we like it or not initial appearances do play their role.

Mikeinmidwood said...

I dont pick up my coat or jacket when I sit.

Talmudist said...

Should we just go back to sit-ins? (I'm not trying to be facetious, really).

lion of zion said...

ברוך שלא עשני אשה

Dude with hat (aka BTS) said...

Picking up coats is to not wrinkle it.

Regarding shadchanim the only problem I see here is to have such talks in mixed public - especially goyim won't understand the point of trading/selling/whatever girls. That just sounds awkward to most of people.
However describing girls is ok for as long as it doesn't go too far. Height and slim is something slim guys would look for usually. But these are all words, you can't make much of sense from them anyway until you really see girl. And in many cases visual appearance is the only thing you can trust shadchan for. They can tell you about how much midos this girl has and how good she is, but this is even more of a selling point. Until you meet and figure these things yourself you won't know much about a girl anyway; building assumptions about personality of someone based on plain words is much worse than try to imagine that persons look.

And yes, Gemora Kiddushin does describe how girl is being acquired by man and talks why woman can't acquire man and brings many reasons from Torah.

Moshe said...

Dude, the problem is that a lot of people don't think like that, not that you're right. And it's not just slim, specific dress size.

"And in many cases visual appearance is the only thing you can trust shadchan for."
You've no idea how wrong you are and I can give you several names of our mutual friends who are gonna attest to this.

Me ;-) said...

As far as shadchanim go... your mom is about as good as it gets... :)

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

It's not the height and those kinda details that bothered me, it was more because of her sales pitch attitude. But yes it is hard to be short.

ahh I didn't think of that, that makes sense.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

lol, the online thing doesn't seem to work out.

oy vey, I'll make sure to stay out of your shopping cart's way!

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

yea, now I realize that. although now I looked at my garden and it's dead, o well.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

1) good point, but then it's strange cause women will smooth theirs over not to wrinkle it and so that it won't pull. I would think that picking up the coat and bunching it up behind you, would make it uncomfortable.

2) yea, so I understand about the appearences part, I guess it was just because it wasn't done in a professional manner. If it was a person speaking professionally then it would sound better. But the Yenta voice made me not like the way it sounded.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

I will remember that word!
lol, chol hamoed were gonna get out of the city hopefully!
ahh cool, so that's why I first saw it now, although we never planted it.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

right, so it wasn't those details that bothered me.
lol, seems like everybody read it the same way... instead of repeating myself, you can look up at my response.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

ok, a yotzei min haklal! :-P

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

I might like the idea of that...although I think it's impossible to decide so fast if the person is for you.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

:-D

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

But then how come women don't pick up their coat not to wrinkle it? women just smooth it down.

right so I didn't mean about the appearence facts being bad...
true about not knowing till you meet the person

right, for tznius reasons, same reason why the mitzvah to have children is on men and not women

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

lol, there's only one person who can say such a thing, so I'm assuming that's who it is. and Thanx! :)

Avi said...

<p style=""><span style="">Ok, catching up on blog posts seems to be my job of the day. Oh boy, do I have a lot of catch-up work to do lol. Shadchanim, ugh. It seems that all of my experiences with shadchanim have been horrendous. I haven't used one, yet (?), but I've met my fair share. I totally have to start a Jewish blog lol, so much to say. My current blog I decided should not include religion. Moving on to the point at hand, I did understand what you meant when you described the whole selling thing. And I agree. It really is pathetic; for two reasons. Firstly, as someone else pointed out, what does that say about the shadchan. Quick story. Basically, a shadchan told a girl that she only 'has guys who'll date size 2's.' I almost threw up the coffee I was drinking when I heard that line. It's the same thing here! C'mon, I know the money is good, and it's not easy work, but selling her like a piece of property?? (The Gemara Kidushin, as well as elsewhere, says the kinyan on the girl is not a Kinyan Karka {acquisition of property}.) And to only have guys who will date a girl who is no bigger than a size two?! I think you get the point. Secondly, shoot the stupid guys who’ll only date size 2’s. It’s one thing to say you want a pretty, petite girl. But to go so far and give a waist size? What kind of a Torah Bayis is that going to be if they’re so wrapped up in marrying supermodels? Not cool.</span>
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