Parshas Korach

This weeks Parsha Dvar Torah is L’Iyloy Nishmas הענה בת אביגדור

Something to say:

The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them (16:32).

In Pirkei Avos we are told that ten things were created in the twilight of the first Erev Shabbos of creation. One of them was the opening of the earth, which swallowed Korach and his congregation after their dispute with Moses. What do we learn from the fact that the mouth of the earth was created in twilight?

The Me’orah Shel Torah answers that when a person finds himself in difficult circumstances, it may seem to him as though there is no solution. He should realize, however, that the solution has already been prepared, and it is his job to uncover it – a task that requires continuous, intense effort. In this parshah, this principle is clearly illustrated: Although Moses was in serious danger and in a very difficult situation with korach, the mouth of the earth had already been prepared for his opponents from the time of Creation. We walk through life for the most part oblivious to the elaborate plans that god has designed for our benefit.

Hashem sends the Refuah before the Makah. He prepared a way for us to overcome a sorrow before he sends it down. It’s a comforting thought to know that Hashem has good plans for us. That it will all work out, and all be good. We just have to keep that in mind when we feel sad at the loss of a loved one, that Hashem has created a way for us to be healed and be loved and cared for.

The Drivers View

I had recently started taking driving lessons and learning how to drive. Up until that point I have always been the passenger and never understood what backseat driving was. I also didn’t realize what it was like to view pedestrians from the drivers seat.

Now that I am driving I notice how many people start walking in middle of the street when it’s not their light. It really bothers me, because it’s as though they are “asking for it”. People seem to have no patience. How much longer is it going to take for them to wait for the light? 10 seconds? why can’t they just wait?

I hadn’t revealed this piece of person information when I talked about my Seudat Hodah, because I figured it’s too personal. But perhaps if I talk about it then people will learn from it, and perhaps it will cause people to think before they cross when it’s not their light, I know it made me think!

When I was 12 years old, 7th grade, I had to go to school by city bus. The bus stop was across an avenue with no light. For 8 months I had no problem crossing that street. Then one day BOOM, a van turned in and hit me. To make a long story short, ever since that day I have been more careful when crossing streets, if there’s no light, I wait till it’s totally clear and then cross. And when there is a light I wait for the “walk” even if there’s no cars there! But especially if there are cars and if it says “don’t walk”.

Another thing that bothers me as a driver is when people start honking behind me. If I’m in a position where I can’t move, it doesn’t help for people to honk, it won’t cause traffic to go by faster. So I don’t understand why people do it. It just may cause me to want to “please them” and move when I’m not supposed to.

Now I have also officially been able to experience what it is like to be a back seat driver, I notice when people go to fast and then come to a short stop. I used to feel safe in any car, now I feel as though if I were driving, I would drive differently, but I still trust other people’s driving.

Today I got to drive on a high way, it was kind of scary to go so fast, especially being on the right side. But it was lots of fun and I did a “very good job” according to my driving instructor. She asked if it was better or worse than I expected it to be. I wasn’t sure since I never pictured what it would be like, so I guess that makes it better. I think I would be able to drive on the high way in the future too, so long as I know which exits to take etc.

But overall driving has been really fun, and my road test is on Tuesday! The next step will be to drive on my own, without anyone in the car to be my “extra pair of eyes”.

Powerful Tears

Friday night my family was with my grandparents at my cousins sheva brachos. My grandparents had made aliyah 3 years ago, and have come in once, a year before for another cousins wedding. So my grandfather made Kiddush, and he sings the ending a certain way. It brought back memories for my mother, and she missed hearing her father make kiddush, so her eyes started getting teary and she went to hug my aunt.

I don’t believe I’ve ever seen tears in my mother’s eyes before. So when I saw her face get teary, it had such a powerful impact on me, that I just burst into tears. My cousin saw and asked what happened, and I tried to stop, and laugh, and I told her it’s nothing. But the tears wouldn’t stop coming. So I went away from the rest of the people, and let myself cry it out for a few minutes, and only then was I able to join the rest of the family.

It felt so strange to just start crying, because of no apparent reason, other than seeing tears in my mother’s eyes. There were times when I have cried before, and after each time I feel as though I am a “baby”, as though I’m not strong enough to handle whatever situation it is.

But then I saw this Midrash:

“After Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden, God said to them, ‘Now you are about to enter into a world of sorrow and trouble the likes of which staggers the imagination. However, I want you to know that My benevolence and My love for you will never end. I know that you will meet with a lot of tribulation in the world, and that it will embitter your lives. For that reason I give you, out of My heavenly treasure, this priceless pearl, a tear. When grief overtakes you and your heart aches so that you are not able to endure it, and great anguish grips your soul, then there will fall from your eyes this tiny tear and your burden will grow lighter.’”

Then I realized, that tears aren’t a bad thing, actually quite the opposite, they allow us to heal. When I cry, I allow myself to think about what is troubling me, and to wallow in sadness, and even feel self pity for myself when I feel I have been wronged. I let all these emotions come out with the tears, so that after a good cry, I feel refreshed, and can continue on.

So really tears is a Bracha, I therefore pass on the Bracha to all of you:

“May we be graced with the ability to shed tears, and may our tears release that which dwells deep within our souls. May they heal us as we process, reconcile, and continue on our paths toward wholeness and peace.”

Jewish Song Sunday #20

Shea Rubenstein: Window in Heaven

This song was made for Moshe’le Holtzberg in dedication of his parents that were niftar in Mumbai. When I heard this song I loved it, the voice, the words and all of it. There’s also the famous blue park in the video, that makes it more personal to me.

Next up: My First Visit to a Rebbe

Davening

Ever since I was a young girl I loved davening. In elementary school one girl a week got to bring home a special decorated siddur, and I always felt so privileged when it was my turn, I cherished that siddur. There was a joy to learning how to daven and davening out loud with the whole class. I loved having kavannah and pointing to the words as I said them.

Once we started learning the meanings of the words, in baer tefilah, I loved it even more. I felt a connection towards the words of davening. They seemed to be such powerful words, especially shemone esrei. When I learned that by Refaeinu you can ask for someone to get better, I was amazed by it. I made sure to daven really well all the time.

At that time though davening was mainly just for school. When I was at home on Shabbos and Sunday I didn’t daven. To me davening was associated with school. Although on shabbos if I would go to shul, I remember my mother telling me about the specialness of mussaf and kesser. Kesser became a special thing. Then I went to sleep away camp going into 6th grade. At that age we weren’t expected to daven much of the Shabbos davening, so we got to go early, while the older girls stayed for leining and other parts of the shabbos davening. Then one summer when I was in camp, my shiur counselor decided it was time we learned how to daven on Shabbos. So she taught us, I still remember her telling us about saying “Kein yehi Ratzon” 3 times towards the end.

Then when I was in High School, I had this great Beier Tefillah teacher, who taught so much on every word, that it was amazing, I truly loved it. By that time we were davening to ourselves in school, and not out loud. At that time lots of stuff were added to the davening that we were never “taught” to daven before. It seemed like too many words to say, and the rest of the class seemed to daven much faster than me, so I cut back on the amount I said. I don’t know how I picked and chose what to daven, perhaps they were bold in my siddur. I still did love my siddur though, I liked how it looked used, to me it made it special. After eighth grade graduating we were given a siddur, but I never got myself to use that one, cause I liked my old one that I was familiar with.

Anyways, once I left High School, the davening ended, I would just daven shabbos when I went to shul. Although in the summer right after High School I did daven for the first time at home, partly because it was a special time, starting college and all. I go to shul every shabbos now, and whenever I go I cherish the chance I have to daven, although I end up going when their up to leining, so I end up just davening mussaf. But I love when I get to hear the chazzan saying the shemone Esrei over. I get such a joy from the words and the way they are said. When he gets up to the words “ ומי דומה לך “ I feel myself soaring with those words. I love yom tovim when there is a long davening, I feel so good after davening.

Being that I love davening so much, it would only make sense that I should daven every day at home, but being that I never davened at home before I just can’t get myself to start. It doesn’t feel natural. In a way I’m jealous of men that get to go to shul for a minyan 3 times a day, cause then they have a set time and place to daven.

Now, what brought all these davening thoughts up? Well, I believe that davening has power, and if you want or need something then you should daven for it. But yet, I’m afraid that if I daven for something then I will jinx it and it won’t happen. That if I ever say out loud that I want something, then I won’t get it. Same with the other way around, if I say I really don’t want something to happen then it will happen.

Like the other day a man came to our class to draw a raffle to pick 2 winners that will get a $200 voucher towards the Becker CPA review courses. For some reason I really didn’t want my name to be picked, because I had missed the midterm since I was sick, and I didn’t want attention to be drawn to myself. So I kept saying to myself, please don’t pick me, Please don’t pick me! Then guess what happened, the guy called out my name, its like I had a feeling that it would happen. So I won the 200 dollars. Which brings me what this is all really about.

So I finished all my finals, and now all I have to do is wait for my grades to see if I passed or not, to see if I will be graduating. I’m really scared that I didn’t pass, and the anxiety is driving me crazy. I wish I can daven to Hashem that it should work out, that I should pass my classes. But yet I’m afraid that if I daven then it will be jinxed. So I’m in a dillemna here.

O, and if I was a guy, and I didn’t pass my classes then I would go to Kollel! But since I’m a girl, that’s not an option.

Anti-Semitism

Recently I made a list of things I have never done/seen, one of them is “interacted with a drunk person”. Well today I may have encountered just that, or maybe it wasn’t a drunk, maybe it was a mental person who wasn’t 100% (thereby rationalizing my fear).

So today I went on a nice shabbos walk with my mother, or at least it was nice until 3 scary incidents occurred. So we started off walking down an Avenue that had a lot of stores open with mostly Russians walking around. I didn’t like walking down that avenue because then it’s too busy and it feels like during the week, and you can’t talk, your focusing on walking past it all.

So then we get to Ocean Parkway, and we sit down on the bench across from a nice sefardi shul, we were watching people come out of it, and we were talking. Then we got rudely interrupted by this crazy man. He was on a bike, with white/grey hair and beard, he had ripped jeans and looked like he was homeless. He calls out “F’n Je*u* if I had the strength I would nail you to the cross”. I’m still not sure who he was talking to, where the only one’s there, so it must of been us, but I wasn’t going to wait around to find out.

So I jumped up off the bench and started walking away, signaling that my mother should do the same. So then my mother calls my name telling me to cross the street, since the man was following in my direction. So I quickly cross. Meanwhile, there was a sefardi father with 2 sons walking nearby on the sidewalk to where I crossed over to. They saw what happened, so as we were walking down the block, they kept turning around and looking. I thought they were being kind and they wanted to make sure we were okay. When we got to the corner and were waiting for the light, the father asks if I was scared. I of course said “yea!”, and my mother said she didn’t get scared. So that was incident number 1. As a side point, I noticed many sefardi men were wearing baseball caps.

Then we decided to walk home through a different Avenue, my mother likes to look at the nice houses and comment on them. So we were standing by a house and I noticed a ramp so I made a comment. Then all of a sudden we hear the neighbor to that house call out “F’n A-holes” and he continued cursing. He wasn’t talking on a phone, so not sure if it was directed at us or not, but again we passed by and continued on. Now that was incident number 2.

When we started getting closer to my neighborhood, I see this lady who looked like a man, wearing men clothes, but with woman parts. She had this huge black dog on a leash, she was on the opposite side of the street, so we continued walking. But then she started crossing over to our side and yelled out “Get away”. So we quickly crossed to the side she came from. But then this huge black and brown dog without a leash comes chasing after us, crossing the street. It was a few feet behind my mother, I quickly was able to get away. I felt bad for leaving my mother so close to the dog, but she was able to get away too. So that was incident number 3.

Then we finally made our way home, I had a chazaka of 3 in one day, I had never encountered such anti-Semitism and it freaked me out. I guess it teaches us that we aren’t so safe as we would like to think.