Parshas Eikev

Something to say:

It will be that if you hearken to My commandments… (11:13).

In this, the second paragraph of the Shema, God promises that we will be blessed with prosperity beyond the bounds of natural law, if we obey His commandments. Why does the Torah use the expression Shema, to hearken? Shouldn’t it have said, “I f you will perform My commandments”? Rabbi Avigdor Miller comments that taking action is not always in a man’s power, whereas listening sincerely, with the intention to do, certainly is. When one decides to listen to God’s commandments, he demonstrates his willingness and his genuine intention to perform them. It is according to the “listening,” the effort to learn, that God measures one’s acceptance of the Torah and therefore provides him with innumerable blessings.

There’s a famous saying “It’s the thought that counts”. So long as we are sincere in wanting to do Hashem’s commandments, then we get credit for it.

Parshas Korach

This weeks Parsha Dvar Torah is L’Iyloy Nishmas הענה בת אביגדור

Something to say:

The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them (16:32).

In Pirkei Avos we are told that ten things were created in the twilight of the first Erev Shabbos of creation. One of them was the opening of the earth, which swallowed Korach and his congregation after their dispute with Moses. What do we learn from the fact that the mouth of the earth was created in twilight?

The Me’orah Shel Torah answers that when a person finds himself in difficult circumstances, it may seem to him as though there is no solution. He should realize, however, that the solution has already been prepared, and it is his job to uncover it – a task that requires continuous, intense effort. In this parshah, this principle is clearly illustrated: Although Moses was in serious danger and in a very difficult situation with korach, the mouth of the earth had already been prepared for his opponents from the time of Creation. We walk through life for the most part oblivious to the elaborate plans that god has designed for our benefit.

Hashem sends the Refuah before the Makah. He prepared a way for us to overcome a sorrow before he sends it down. It’s a comforting thought to know that Hashem has good plans for us. That it will all work out, and all be good. We just have to keep that in mind when we feel sad at the loss of a loved one, that Hashem has created a way for us to be healed and be loved and cared for.

Parshas Shelach

You ever notice how once you hear about something you start seeing it all over? Lots of times we see things without taking it in or noticing it, because it’s not on our mind. Once we hear about it, and it’s on our mind, then we pay more attention and see it more often.

Something to say:

You shall not go explore after your hearts and after your eyes (15:39).

Rashi explains: the eye sees, the heart desires, and the body commits the sin. The Toldos Ephraim points out that Rashi should have followed the sequence of the verse; the heart desires and the eye sees. However, he answers that what the heart does not desire, the eye does not see at all.

We see what we want to see. So someone who has good on their mind will see the good. Someone who thinks of evil will see the evil. So lets keep our hearts and mind on the good, and we will see good.

Parshas Acharei - Kedoshim

Imagine this: You are at a shiur, the audience is silent, all intent on hearing what the speaker has to say. Then you start talking to a friend. A stranger calls out to you to be quiet.

Now there are a few different reactions to this. 1- You stop talking and brush off what the person said. 2- You continue talking, thinking what you have to say is more important. 3- You answer back to the stranger, that they shouldn’t tell you what to do.

In Most cases people would have reaction number 1. With a few people having reaction number 2. And rarely people would have reaction number 3.

Now Imagine this: A wife works hard in the kitchen cooking a supper for her husband. Then it comes supper time and the husband criticizes the way she cooked supper.

There are a few different reactions to this. 1- The wife will get upset and yell at her husband and say if he doesn’t like the way she made it, then he can make his own suppers. 2- She will take note of what he said and try next time to make it differently, but yet feel hurt that she didn’t meet his expectations. 3- She will accept what he says lovingly.

In most cases people will have reaction number 1. With a few people having reaction number 2. And rarely people would have reaction number 3.

By a stranger, we don’t get affected so much when they criticize us, since we don’t hold them in as much of a high regard. With a loved one, we care about what they have to say, and therefore it affects us more when we get criticized by them.

But yet in order to have the power to criticize someone, you have to be close to them. If someone else's child is misbehaving you won’t criticize them as much as you would your own child. Having someone you are close to correct you is easier than having a stranger do so. If your tag is showing, or you by mistake didn’t button all your buttons, having this pointed out by someone you are close to is easier and less embarrassing, then having a stranger point it out.

Something to Say:

You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor (19:17).

The Arizal asks: What is the correlation between the concepts of not hating another and giving him reproof? Rebuke, he answers, can be presented properly onto towards one who is respected and loved by the observer. When one is sincerely concerned about another’s conduct, as a father is for his child, any criticism is certain to be constructive in nature and acceptable to the listener. The closer two people are to one another, the more intense the relationship is, and so the rebuke is certain to be more sincere and easier to absorb.

Parents love their children and therefore they feel their children’s pain. So when a parent has to punish their child, it’s like they’re punishing themselves too. They really don’t want to punish their child, but they have to, to teach the child a lesson. So the punishing is for the purpose of helping the child. If the child doesn’t learn from the punishment, then it is not the right method. A parent should not be punishing the child out of anger.

Just Married

Sunday, Rosh Chodesh ADAR!!, February 14, 2010, SN and I got married!

B”H the wedding went great, all the preparations paid off!

I got my hair done in my house in the morning, and then went to the hall to get makeup on. I davened Mincha, and said Tehillim for all the names that were given to me. Then started pictures. It was lots of fun posing for the pictures.

At Kaballas Panim I started getting emotional, realizing this was it, that I was getting married! I was so happy to see SN after a week of no seeing each other. It felt so powerful to have my father and SN’s father bench me.

Walking down the Chuppah, felt like a dream, I didn’t focus on the people standing on the sides of me, but I noticed there were lots of people. I davened for myself and SN under the Chuppah.

After the Chuppah, SN’s sister gave me a big hug, and I was so happy. I enjoyed dancing with her lots of times. It feels good to have such nice older sisters.

Usually I’m not much of a dancer, so much so, that I went with my mother and aunt to dance lessons before my wedding, to learn steps. We didn’t practice at all! But I remembered 2 things that I learned which really helped when it came to dancing. The first thing was how to dance one on one. The second was what to do when you start to feel dizzy from going in circles so many times. And that’s called “break the dizzy” where you go from side to side instead. I did that a couple of times, and I had so much fun dancing, that every time someone came over to offer me water, I said I was fine, and when they came to give me a seat, I also was fine and could of went on and on.

It was nice meeting Tembow and Inkstainedhands. And Thanks Auror, Annie and Rain Strap for coming! Auror made a beautiful poster which I shall always cherish, I have it on my dresser now. 

SN, the amazing nice person that he is, knew it was his bosses anniversary on our wedding night, so he brought a cake for him, and had it given to him at our wedding.

So the wedding was over, and B”H I never felt stressed or nervous! My family lives only a few blocks away from me, and I’m still in the same neighborhood, so there weren’t any big adjustments for me.

I enjoy cooking for me and SN! I did my first loads of laundry after we got married, and found it to be lots of fun. I haven’t ironed yet, since I don’t have an iron or ironing board, but I can imagine it being relaxing. I went with SN to do a few computer jobs, it’s fun learning new things. So married life is great! I ♥ SN!

How to Get Ready for The Big Day

Inspired by SN!

After the L’chaim/vort starts the wedding preparations. First you figure out a date for the wedding and book a hall. This is important since halls can get booked fast, luckily since we had a little longer of an engagement than most, we were able to book our special day.

If the couple is going by FLOP, then the Chosson side then will take care of the flowers, liquor, Orchestra and Photography. Where the Kallah then chooses the flowers she would like. The chosson side will also take care of the Benchers and Documents for the wedding-Kesuba.

The Kallah will book a makeup and hair person for the wedding. She will go look for a gown from a gemach or rental, and then go in for fittings quite a lot of times. She will buy sheitels and other hair coverings, and all kinds of clothing. The Kallah will choose invitations to send out, and come up with the wording, go through proofs and then have them printed.

Next step is to look for a bedroom set, if you plan on having one when you get married. Sometimes the stores can be out of stock so you have to give them enough time to get it shipped from the company in another country.

An important preparation is Kallah classes. They are so enjoyable, and you learn so many great things. You come out with a clear and new perspective on all kinds of things. I would say it’s important to write notes when you learn Halachos, since I didn’t, and I learned from my mistake. Also, it’s important to ask your kallah teacher any questions you have. If a friend tells you anything, always check with your kallah teacher, to see if what they are saying is correct.

Another great preparation for marriage is to go to the SHALOM workshop which I highly recommend.

A month before the wedding is a good time to send out the wedding invitations. It’s lots of fun getting back return cards, and reading all the nice messages on them, with brachos and personalized messages. I made an excel sheet to keep track of all those that sent back the return card, with how many attending for the whole thing, and how many said no seat, along with how I know them. Grouping them into categories helps with the seating arrangements.

Next big step is to look for an apartment, at first it can be fun and exciting, but after looking at a bunch of apartments you just feel as though you want to find the right one already. Also, don’t keep your search limited, you never know what may be right for you. Word of mouth is a great way to find an apartment.

Next step is buying stuff for the apartment, this can get very costly, be aware! Then comes cleaning the apartment, getting mezuzos to put up, and moving your stuff in.

Throughout all this time, there is another kind of wedding preparation that is nice, and that is getting to know your chosson better. As you spend time preparing for the wedding, and discussing all kinds of things, you better get to know them. Going to each other for Shabbosim can be a great experience, you get to see how things are run in their house, and show them how things are run in yours. It’s relaxing to just spend time together on Shabbos, without having to be busy with other tasks.

Lots of people say that the wedding preparations can be a stressful time. But B”H I can say the wedding day is drawing closer and I haven’t felt stressed at all.

There are lots of great resources to help you plan for your wedding day. The Chosson/Kallah guide book, is a great free book, with articles, ads with coupons, along with lists of things you need for your wedding, from the Kallah side, and Chosson side. If you look to the right you will see a link for Jewish Wedding - New York, which is another great resource helping you with all kinds of wedding preparations.

Pro-Active Parenting

Friday night I had R’ Ackerman from Project YES speak in my house. He went over what he spoke about 2 weeks ago, with Expectations and then he went on to discuss Pro-Active parenting.

He mentioned the importance of calling a child by their name when giving them praise and not just when criticizing them. So that a child shouldn’t associate their name as meaning they did something wrong. Where a child would hear their name and cringe thinking “what did I do now?”.

Now what is pro-active parenting? It’s where things seem to be going smoothly, the child isn’t getting into trouble or doing anything to upset you. But yet you notice something is different and therefore take on an active role.

For example, your daughter usually plays with friends on Shabbos, and you notice for the past few weeks she has been sitting on the couch and reading a book instead. Now on the surface everything seems fine, she isn’t getting in your way. But you realize something is different and therefore want to address the situation.

So you say to your daughter “I notice you have started to read books on Shabbos instead of playing with your friends, What happened that was different?” Now since the child is in middle of reading a book you can’t expect them to shut the book and talk to you. You have to think about the child, and tell them that you would like to talk to them, and ask them when they can.

Then once you start talking to your daughter and say “What happened”, your daughter may say that one time when she was playing with her friends, one girl was very mean to her and called her names and made her cry. Now as the parent it hurts to see your child upset so you may want to dismiss her hurt feelings and say “I’m sure she didn’t mean that”. But it is important not to say that! By doing so you are not validating your child’s feelings. You are saying they don’t know what their saying, and this will cause the child to feel worse.

Instead, say “I understand that must have been hurtful”. “What happened next” Now your daughter may surprise you here with what she continues to say. She may say “Then afterwards I took out a book to read, and another girl came over and we started talking about the book”. Then you say “sounds like you had fun with the other girl”. Then she’ll remember the good time and say “yea, I had a good time with her”.

Now at this point it could be all the child needed was somebody to listen to her. So after expressing her feelings and telling over the story with what happened, she may feel all better and say “I feel better now, Thanks Mommy for listening”. And then she will go on continue playing.

Just listening, is often what children need, for us to give them our attention, and be all there for them. Not always do we have to “fix” things for them. And often times there may be no solution, or it may take a long time to solve. Now after listening, you can ask the child what they wish would happen next time. Say “if there’s any way I could help, please let me know”, so the child knows that you are there for them. Remember that the child is the expert, and they will tell you how you can help them.

If there comes a situation where a child comes home telling you what happened and you just don’t know what to say. You can say “I don’t know what to say. What do you wish I would say?”. Now at this point it could be an hour after the event occurred and the child can be angry, and what they say now might not be the same answer they say the next morning when they have to deal with the consequences.

If a child comes home from school all upset and says that their Rebbi called them a bum and told them to never open their mouth in class again. As the parent you promise the child that the Rebbi must not have meant that. Because you weren’t there, so you really don’t know, and can’t predict. You cay say at this point that you don’t know what to say, and ask the child when they would like to talk about this some more.

If the child says they would like you to talk to their Rebbi, then ask them “what would you like me to say to him”. Also, keep in mind that your child is going back to school the next morning, and dealing with the Rebbi for the rest of the year. So you should talk it over with your child and spouse before you make any quick decisions. Often times there may not be a solution, rather a picking of “the worst evil”.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 21! I had an amazing birthday Thanks to SN.

I went to SN for Shabbos, and got to see how his Shabbos routine goes. I enjoyed the zemiros and Divrei Torah from him and his family. I got to meet his friendly neighbors, and go to shiurim with him. I also got to go to Auror’s house, and talk with her and all her siblings. Over Shabbos I tasted so many new foods! Gefilte Fish, Bartenurah wine, eggs, and tomatoes, to name a few. I enjoyed spending time with SN, and learned more things about him that I admire.

Then Sunday, we looked at an apartment that I was really hoping would work out. B”H it did, and Monday we decided to take it! Now I feel relieved that we have an apartment, and can start focusing on buying stuff for it! Fun Fun!

Monday I went for my first gown fitting, and picked up one sheitel, which I’m going to bring back another time to have it styled some more.

Tuesday, was my Birthday! The day started off with me going to my future sister in law to check out the sheitel that she ordered for me. It was great talking with her, and she was so nice in helping me out with buying stuff, recommending where to go and what I would need to get.

Then I went to my grandparents store, where I picked out some robes and tried on some pre-tied’s, they gave me lots of stuff! It was fun trying on the pre-tied’s and looking like a “Mommy”!

Then after I finished with the robe store I was walking to try to find the city bus stop to go back home, but I didn’t know where it was, so I was walking down the Avenue. Then I BBM’d SN that I was done with my grandparents store, he BBM’d back that he was in the neighborhood, then he offered me a ride, happened to be we were a block away from each other.

So I meet him in front of a pizza store, and I see him coming to me with a huge Happy Birthday Balloon. It was such a nice surprise, and I loved how it wasn’t planned, and that we just happened to be in the same place at the same time. So we ate lunch together. Meanwhile it was still early, 3 ish, so SN was in middle of his working hours. So after lunch he was supposed to go to another place, but they were going close before we would be able to get there, so SN ended up coming to my house. I brought down my laptop and I got to watch SN work. It was fun to watch how he works.

Then after an hour, we went back to his house, where I helped him with some more invitations that he didn’t get to send out yet. Then we went to a candy store where we had fun going through the candies and picking some out. I saw 2 interesting “candies” there. One was Individually wrapped Jelly beans, and the other was a “coloring page cookie”, where you get to color on the cookie, to fill in the picture how ever you want it to look, and it’s all edible!

Then we went out to eat at a nice fancy restaurant, where we had yummy food! SN gave me a beautiful birthday present, of diamond earrings. He played a song for me on his phone that we both really like. Then we went back to the car, where we ate some candies and played “our song” for our wedding.

Then I got to see how SN does one of his side computer jobs. We went to this persons house, and it was cool watching SN doing stuff on the computer, and I can’t wait to learn how to do all kinds of things and help him out with his jobs. Then the mother in the house asked me if I wanted a tour of her house. So I said “okay” and boy what a tour it was! She had painted everything in her house, it was all amazing! She told me how she got lots of stuff from ikea and designed her house, and everything. I told he that she can be on one of those TV shows, doing home makeovers for people. Everything she painted was so professional and amazing. She painted on furniture into the kids bedroom, that look so real! She painted on the kitchen counter, and the backsplash of the kitchen, that all look so real! It was all really cool.

Then SN drove me home, and it was already late, where my family would be sleeping, so he didn’t get to come in and say hello to them. But we got to talk in the car some more, which I always enjoy. Lately, we’ve been talking till the clock turns _:00, but here it was at _:46, when a car needed to go into the driveway we were blocking, so we had to call it a night, and didn’t get to talk till the _:00.

I had an amazing Birthday! And great weekend leading up to my birthday! Our wedding is getting closer! I am so excited!

Twins!

I was reading what HSaboMilner had to say on being a twin, and it brought back memories of my own.

If I had a dollar for every time we were asked if our twin was identical. Identical means exactly the same.

So many times people would ask if we were identical, and this came from adults too.

My mother is a twin, and always tells over the story of how my grandmother was giving birth. My mother came first, and the doctor said “It’s a girl”. Then 2 minutes later the doctor said “It’s a boy”, so then my grandmother said “Is it a girl or a boy? you can’t tell?”. We would all laugh at the story, thinking about the olden days.

I obviously don’t know what it was like when my mother was pregnant with us, but I do remember what it was like when she was pregnant with the second set of twins. I remember being so excited to finally have younger siblings to take care of. It was exciting to have 2 babies, to play with them and feed them.

When me and my twin were younger we were really close. We played together and did everything together. We went to the same school together, separate building for boys and girls, but we were on the same bus. We would have walkie talkies, and talk to each other. It was a lot of fun. We were partners. We would play school together, and do homework together.

I had such a deep bond with him, that I felt everything he felt. I would hurt for him. I didn’t have that same bond with my older brother. Me and my twin always got a long and were best friends. My twin brother was always so good to me, and wanted to take care of me. He would protect me in school, and tried to take care of me when we got lost. Even now he is so good to me. He gave me his blackberry when he got a new phone, which made me so happy since SN has a blackberry too. He asked me what I want for my birthday present, even though it’s his birthday too.

HSaboMilner puts it very nicely:

There is something deeply magical and mystical about being created at the same time as someone else. Growing together from a cluster of cells into human beings. Our bond was created 9 months before our birth – there is no way that anyone could ever hope to recreate that in the physical world.

As the years gone by, and there started to be a separation between boys and girls, we drifted a part, and became like regular brother and sister. Then I started to think it would be better to be twins with a girl, cause then you would really get to do everything together, and if you were identical you would get to switch places on people, like “Elizabeth and Jessica” did, from some story book I used to love reading. But then I would read stories about twin girls being in competition with each other, and I was happy to be twins with a boy again.

With my younger brother and sister, they were a different type of twins. They weren’t always together. They were on different levels, which made it hard for them to play which each other. It’s easy to explain to an older child that the younger child can’t do certain things yet, or that you have to be the big one and give in. But with twins it’s hard, because their the same age, so you can’t tell one they have to be “older” and give in, or that the other is younger and that’s why they can’t do whatever it may be.

Being a twin was really fun as a child, and I’ll cherish the memories. Now I still have a connection with my twin, but it’s not the same as before. Though we still get a long great. Now I feel connected to SN and hope to grow our connection to the upmost. 

Being that it seems like twins is in the genes of my family (3 sets) it makes me wonder if I’ll have twins, and which I would rather. I used to think that twins are so cool, and you get a lot of attention because of it. But parenting wise, I think singles are easier. But whatever Hashem gives me I will be happy with!

Expectations

Friday night I went to a great shiur by R’ Ackerman from project Y.E.S on the topic of expectations with children.

There are 3 rules to follow when formulating an expectation:

1. The expectation has to be concrete. In that you can’t be vague in asking a child to do something.
   
   Example: Asking a child to clean their room is a vague request. What will happen if you tell a child to clean their room? You’ll come in and see a pile of clothing in the closet, and garbage there. So then you’ll get upset at the child, and say, “You didn’t clean your room!”, then they’ll say “But I did, look, there’s nothing on the floor, I put it all in the closet so that you won’t trip on anything. So the child had good intentions but just didn’t understand your request. Now if you would give a specific request, and say “I would like you to clean up the things from the floor, hang up the shirts in the closet and throw the garbage out.” Then that is a concrete expectation that the child can follow.
   
2. The expectation should be a positive one. A parent shouldn’t tell a kid “Get your feet off the table” because then they will put their feet on the wall or the chair or any other place besides the table, and if you don’t want their feet in those places then you have to be clear and say, Put your feet only on the floor. So before you make a request for a child to do, think about what you want them to do, if you can’t think of a positive way to ask it, then wait till you can think of one.
   
   Also, there’s a way to ask a child to do something. It shouldn’t be “You have to be in your room in 10 minutes”. Rather, “I would like you to be in your room in 10 minutes”. There are 2 differences between the 2 sentences. 1 is changing the sentence from a “you” to an “I”. 2 is leaving out the word “have to”. If you request from the child nicely to go into their room then they are more likely to listen, than if they are being told to. In addition, if you use words like “have to” then what will happen? 15 minutes later the child is not in their room, so they realize they didn’t have to go to their room, and it makes the parent loose authority in their eyes.
   
3. The expectation has to be realistic. You have to know what the child can handle at their age level, as well as the duration of how long they can do something. A little child most likely will not be able to sit at the Friday table for a long time. So you can’t expect them to. But yet, it doesn’t mean that it’s all or nothing. They can sit there for as much as they can handle. With such things, a parent shouldn’t ask the child “can you sit at the table?” because then it’s giving the child 2 choices, “yes” or “no”, but really they can sit at the table, just not for all of it, so rather you should ask “How long can you sit at the table for?”. Also, it is important to realize that each child is different, and that just because 95% of your other children were able to do something at a certain age, doesn’t mean it’s realistic for this child to.

Now after asking your child to do something, you should say over what you expect of them, and see if they understand. To clean up any misunderstandings. Then you should ask the child “What do you think of that”, so that you find out in advance feedback from the child whether they plan on doing what you expect or not. So that later when you have expected them to do something, and you find out they didn’t do it, you won’t be caught in the moment and get upset. So you talk it out in advance.

Now if the child has succeeded in doing what you asked them to, then you have to praise them on their success. You’re supposed to praise them, 500 times to the amount you criticize them. That is the key to building a child’s self esteem. If you find the child set the table, like you asked, then you say “Child’s name, you did such a great job setting the table, your such a good boy” or something like that. The praise should be able the child’s success and not about yourself, in that you shouldn’t say “you made me so happy by setting the table”. Though you can add that in to, but the focal point should be about the child accomplishing his task.

Now it says “adam nifal kefei poulasuf”, a child will become the way he acts. So that if you praise him for his success, then he will become successful. If on the other hand you always point out his failures, then he’ll think of himself as a failure. So that if a child does an expectation half way, you should praise him on that half way, so that you can build his success, rather than salvaging his failure. It’s much easier to build on success.

Now what if you asked the child to move some cups from the dining room table to the server, and then you find it wasn’t done, what do you do? You say to the child “I asked you to move the cups from the table to the server”. Then you say an observation, which should not be judgmental. You say, “I see the cups are still on the table”. Then it is very important to be dan likav zechus, and judge the child favorably, so that your not putting them on the defense. You shouldn’t say “why didn’t you put the cups on the server?” But rather say “what was hard for you?” Assuming that the child would have done what you asked if they had been able to.

Now when having a talk with a child about an important thing, you have to be Hakal Kan, all of you has to be there. You can’t have any outside distractions, as well as internal distractions, you have to realize everything is about the child, and not you being upset at the child. When talking with the child make sure you have eye contact, if their looking down, then say their name, to get their attention. Then go through the script, saying: “I asked you to do this, I see it is this way, what was hard for you?”

Then the reason will be one of 2 things. Either incompetence or non compliance. Which in most cases it’s incompetence, where the child was un capable of fulfilling your expectation. So they will explain to you why they couldn’t. Example: a child comes home and puts their coat on the floor, you find it there and then ask the child what happened, they will tell you that they hand to run to the bathroom so they couldn’t hang up their coat.

Now what happens if the child just says, “I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to”. Then you have to make sure it’s really not incompetence. You say to the child, “what happened when you tried to…” then  lots of times they will tell you, “I tried but then I couldn’t” They are just too ashamed to say that they couldn’t do something, so they say they didn’t want to do it. But once they see that you understand them, then they will open up to you and tell you why they couldn’t do what you asked. Now this is very important to find out that it’s really incompetence, as you’ll find out later.

If the child didn’t fulfill the expectation because of non compliance, there is one of 3 things that can be done:

1. You can let it slide, you can figure this isn’t an important thing, and the child doesn’t want to do it. This does not mean “choosing your battles” since really parenting is not about a battle between parent and child, but rather helping the child grow to be successful, so you’re just making a decision, that this request is not an important one.
   
2. You can threaten the child into submission. Now this one barely works, because then there will be a war between the child and parent, and you’ll be surprised how much punishment a child can handle, so that they shouldn’t loose. Rarely will they ever give in, and if they do give in, the relationship between parent and child has changed, and the child will not like his parent at all. So you have to question if this method will be worth it.
   
3. You can give the child an incentive. Notice this is not a bribe, since a bribe is given to a judge so that they should do the wrong thing. Here you want the child to do the right thing, just since they don’t want to, you want to give them motivation so that they should. A child is an expert of themselves. So you ask them “What would you like to earn in order to do this thing that you don’t want to do”. You’ll be surprised at what lots of children will say to this, One child said “I want to play checkers with Totty on Friday nights”.

Now here’s where it’s important that you made sure it really was non compliance and not incompetence. Because what happens, if really the child is not capable of doing something, and then you offer them a reward if they do it. It’s cruel, because your hanging something they want in front of their eyes, but yet saying they can’t have it. Since they won’t be able to fulfill your expectation they won’t be able to get the reward. So all the charts won’t help, unless the child is capable to meet the expectation.

S.H.A.L.O.M

Motzei Shabbos I went with SN to a great workshop by the S.H.A.L.O.M taskforce. It lasted over 4 hours, but yet was so interesting that time just flew by. I would recommend all engaged couples to go to this workshop. The government provides grants to them, enabling them to give the workshop for free. They only charge 25 dollars to register and get a book they put together.

The workshop started with everyone receiving a piece of paper titled “Island Survival Exercise”, where there are 25 things listed on the list, and you have to choose 10 that you think are important in order to survive on an island. Then you compare it with your significant other and see how many you have in common. Then for the one’s you have different you have to come up with a compromise and see which one’s you would both choose. This exercise showed how couples think alike. In addition, it helps you practice compromising, and learning more about how the other thinks.

Then there is something called The Daily Temperature Reading by Virginia Satir. Couples should set a side 15 minutes a day to talk to each other and do the DTR.

1. Appreciations
2. New Information
3. Puzzles
4. Complaints with Request for Change
5. Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

(See link above for more info. Or watch the video below)

DTR by Lori Gordon, Founder of PAIRS

Then there’s the Guide for Confiding about a Complaint. They give you a wheel, with key words to begin your complaint. While one is making their complaint, the other parrots what they say, to make sure they understand what is being said. (Ex: “I notice that you…” “You notice that I…”). Then only after the whole wheel has been gone through, can the other explain and clear things up. This helps for complaints that involve emotional feelings, and involve more than a “quick fix” technique.

Then there is the emotional jug. Where sometimes you can be having a bad day, little things keep happening and you remain calm through it all. Then one last thing happens and you burst and lash out on someone. So to prevent this from happening, you realize when your emotional jug starts building up, and you tell your significant other that you have to empty your emotional jug.

The listener will then ask “What are you Mad/Sad/Scared/Glad about?” and then at the end ask “If there’s anything else you would be mad about, what would it be?”. This seems like a strange question, but it really works. Since you are emptying your emotional jug, you might as well let it all out, so that you start fresh.

Yesterday I got to practice emptying my emotional jug, and SN was a great listener and I thank him again! I was in such a good mood afterwards, that I even wanted to make others happy.

This is just a fraction of what the workshop consisted of, for more information check out their site and register for a course!

A Simcha Filled Week

Sunday evening SN’s family made a birthday party for SN’s father in his sister’s house. SN’s sister cooked an amazing meal with tons of food. I tasted carrot cake/kugel and loved it. While there SN’s brother in law told over a dvar torah about hachnasos archim. Where SN brought up a question, of how did Avraham know that he can tell Hashem to wait while he does the mitzvah of hachnasos archim, Then two answers were given.

After the birthday party, SN came to my house to work on the “Thank You” cards for the vort presents. After writing the messages I liked the way SN signed the cards he wrote, so I asked him to sign the one’s I wrote like that too. After we were done with the thank you cards. My little brother started talking to SN, and entertained him till Midnight! I enjoyed going through albums with SN showing him pictures of me when I was a little kid.

Monday night I went to my second New Square Wedding. It was a really interesting experience. I sat with 18 year old cousins who were engaged too. It’s funny how I felt like I fit in because I was engaged too, so we all had something to talk about. I had thought my 4 month engagement is a long time, but then I found out 1 cousin’s engagement is 14 months, and another 8 months! I was surprised when one of the girls showed me a picture of her chosson on her cell phone. It was a picture of a chassidish guy. I didn’t know what reaction she was expecting from me, so I just said “very nice”.

Tuesday night I had “Rain Strap’s” vort. It was really nice, and I was so happy for her, now that I knew what it felt like to be engaged. She introduced me to her chosson and they looked like a great happy lively couple. It made me realize how much more SN is such a great match for me, and I appreciate him so much!

Thursday morning I went to a cousin’s bris, that had twin boys. The really cool thing is that SN’s cousin also had twin boys the same day as my cousin! After the bris I went to SN’s sister’s sheitel place to see what size I am, and to match the color. The store was really pretty, and it was so much fun to try on sheitel’s. SN’s sister is really great!

Friday night, one of the mother’s I babysat for had a shiur in her house, where the Rebbitzen of my shul spoke. The 5 year old saw me coming in and ran to give me a hug and pulled me into her house so that she can sit on my lap. Then she said only I can sit on her chair because I’m a kallah. Then she introduced me to a lady, and said that I’m getting married. The lady then asked how old I was, and of course she said I looked younger.

Meanwhile, my father had gone to a “Buta” by my shul, and someone had asked a question about the parsha, the same question that SN had asked. I had already told my father the question and answer during the Friday night meal. So when my father heard the question, he recognized it and was able to answer it. The answer was that Avraham’s feet started moving to do hachnasas Orchim. Because a tzadik automatically starts doing a mitzvah, so that’s how he knew that he was supposed to greet the guests and was able to put Hashem “on hold”.

Motzei Shabbos I went with SN to his cousin’s vort, and met more of his family members. It was funny because my mother had babysat for his cousins, so his aunts and uncle’s knew my mother and they were really nice in welcoming me to the family.

Introducing SN

SN stands for Super Nice, because that’s what my Chosson is. From now on I’ll refer to him as SN. B”H SN encourages my blogging, so I won’t be disappearing.

Wednesday night we had a beautiful vort, and I got introduced to so many people. They all of course had such good things to say about SN. I tried to speak to everyone who came for at least a few minutes. SN’s sisters were great at introducing me to everyone.

Then one time I was going over to a few ladies and they said Mazel Tov and all. Then one of them asks me if I went to a certain HS and I said yes. Then another commented that she taught there, and I looked closer at her and realized that she was one of my HS teachers. She wasn’t wearing glasses so I hadn’t recognized her right away. I remember she taught me Navi and I hadn’t particularly liked that subject nor was I good at it, so I guess it’s a good thing she didn’t remember me either!

My Kindergarten teacher on the other hand I remembered, and she remembered me. She’s going to become my cousin! She brought over a picture of me and my twin brother when we were 3 years old and she was our counselor in day camp. I was so happy to see that picture, I love looking back at little kid pictures.

SN was great at arranging everything, he comes up with all the great ideas. To have our wedding on Rosh Chodesh so we don’t have to fast. To have music by the vort so that it’s more lively, and people can dance. I was smiling looking at the video of SN and my father dancing together.

There’s so much for me to learn from SN. He started to introduce me to new foods. I drank Snapple for the first time, and it wasn’t so bad. Though I hear I have to taste the kiwi strawberry one. I had a Caesar salad for the first time, and I actually liked it. Speaking of firsts, I wore real heals for the first time, Thanks to Auror, so now I can cross that off my list.

SN’s also Super Nice in that he shows lots of Hakaras Hatov to people. He called up the florist, band, bakery, Jeweler, and all those involved, to thank them and tell them how happy we were with what he got from them. I think that’s an amazing thing, and something I’d want to take upon myself to try to do also.

We got so many gifts, from so many people, it was really nice. I can’t wait to write the Thank You cards!

I haven’t written any Hashgacha Pratis stories in a while, so here’s one. At the end of the vort my aunt told me to take a look at one of the gifts from some cousins in Israel to see what they gave. So we opened the bag, and inside we found the gift. But in addition to that we found a set of keys. By mistake the keys to the apartment where they were staying had fallen into the bag. So it was a good thing my aunt told me to take a look at what they gave, so that we found the keys and she was able to take it with her and return them.

Another thing I haven’t written about in a long time is the parsha. I had stopped in middle of the year so that I can continue from that point in the next year. But I love reading about the parsha, and learning from the chumash. So I was very happy to find out that SN’s brother writes up a weekly e-mail with divrei torah on the parsha.

Over Shabbos it was nice to hear people telling me that they had a great time at the vort, and that they were happy meeting SN.

Mazel Tov!

As most of you already know from Facebook/Twitter, I got Engaged last night! I really can’t believe it, it went by so fast B”H. I was so happy to meet my Chosson’s family, they are the most happy, welcoming people I know. It was an amazing feeling to be welcomed into their family.

A lot of “Jewish Geography” took place last night. We found out how 3 of his family members knew 3 of mine, and that we had a mutual friend in common – Auror, who I have to thank so much for being there for me. I also have to Thank my friend “Rain Strap” for helping me with information on “What happens next”, since I’m the first of my siblings to get engaged.

May we continue to hear good news!

View Full Album

The Drivers View

I had recently started taking driving lessons and learning how to drive. Up until that point I have always been the passenger and never understood what backseat driving was. I also didn’t realize what it was like to view pedestrians from the drivers seat.

Now that I am driving I notice how many people start walking in middle of the street when it’s not their light. It really bothers me, because it’s as though they are “asking for it”. People seem to have no patience. How much longer is it going to take for them to wait for the light? 10 seconds? why can’t they just wait?

I hadn’t revealed this piece of person information when I talked about my Seudat Hodah, because I figured it’s too personal. But perhaps if I talk about it then people will learn from it, and perhaps it will cause people to think before they cross when it’s not their light, I know it made me think!

When I was 12 years old, 7th grade, I had to go to school by city bus. The bus stop was across an avenue with no light. For 8 months I had no problem crossing that street. Then one day BOOM, a van turned in and hit me. To make a long story short, ever since that day I have been more careful when crossing streets, if there’s no light, I wait till it’s totally clear and then cross. And when there is a light I wait for the “walk” even if there’s no cars there! But especially if there are cars and if it says “don’t walk”.

Another thing that bothers me as a driver is when people start honking behind me. If I’m in a position where I can’t move, it doesn’t help for people to honk, it won’t cause traffic to go by faster. So I don’t understand why people do it. It just may cause me to want to “please them” and move when I’m not supposed to.

Now I have also officially been able to experience what it is like to be a back seat driver, I notice when people go to fast and then come to a short stop. I used to feel safe in any car, now I feel as though if I were driving, I would drive differently, but I still trust other people’s driving.

Today I got to drive on a high way, it was kind of scary to go so fast, especially being on the right side. But it was lots of fun and I did a “very good job” according to my driving instructor. She asked if it was better or worse than I expected it to be. I wasn’t sure since I never pictured what it would be like, so I guess that makes it better. I think I would be able to drive on the high way in the future too, so long as I know which exits to take etc.

But overall driving has been really fun, and my road test is on Tuesday! The next step will be to drive on my own, without anyone in the car to be my “extra pair of eyes”.

Powerful Tears

Friday night my family was with my grandparents at my cousins sheva brachos. My grandparents had made aliyah 3 years ago, and have come in once, a year before for another cousins wedding. So my grandfather made Kiddush, and he sings the ending a certain way. It brought back memories for my mother, and she missed hearing her father make kiddush, so her eyes started getting teary and she went to hug my aunt.

I don’t believe I’ve ever seen tears in my mother’s eyes before. So when I saw her face get teary, it had such a powerful impact on me, that I just burst into tears. My cousin saw and asked what happened, and I tried to stop, and laugh, and I told her it’s nothing. But the tears wouldn’t stop coming. So I went away from the rest of the people, and let myself cry it out for a few minutes, and only then was I able to join the rest of the family.

It felt so strange to just start crying, because of no apparent reason, other than seeing tears in my mother’s eyes. There were times when I have cried before, and after each time I feel as though I am a “baby”, as though I’m not strong enough to handle whatever situation it is.

But then I saw this Midrash:

“After Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden, God said to them, ‘Now you are about to enter into a world of sorrow and trouble the likes of which staggers the imagination. However, I want you to know that My benevolence and My love for you will never end. I know that you will meet with a lot of tribulation in the world, and that it will embitter your lives. For that reason I give you, out of My heavenly treasure, this priceless pearl, a tear. When grief overtakes you and your heart aches so that you are not able to endure it, and great anguish grips your soul, then there will fall from your eyes this tiny tear and your burden will grow lighter.’”

Then I realized, that tears aren’t a bad thing, actually quite the opposite, they allow us to heal. When I cry, I allow myself to think about what is troubling me, and to wallow in sadness, and even feel self pity for myself when I feel I have been wronged. I let all these emotions come out with the tears, so that after a good cry, I feel refreshed, and can continue on.

So really tears is a Bracha, I therefore pass on the Bracha to all of you:

“May we be graced with the ability to shed tears, and may our tears release that which dwells deep within our souls. May they heal us as we process, reconcile, and continue on our paths toward wholeness and peace.”

Friends and Family

Having Friends and Family in one’s life is an important thing. But yet they are two different types of relationships. A person is born into a family, they don’t get to choose who their family will be, other than their spouse. Which makes a spouse fall into both categories of friend and family. Since a family member has no choice but to be part of your family, you treat them differently than friends.

Whereas becoming friends with someone takes time, with a buildup of trust and closeness, a family takes no time other than to be born. The amazing thing about a family, is that because you don’t choose who your relatives are, they can be as diverse and unlike you as they come. However, when you become friends with someone it is usually because you like that person and share something in common with them.

One of the movies I actually did see in a theater was called “Son of The Mask”. It has a message in there about a child having to make a decision and choosing between making a new friend or loyalty to his father. It shows how having a family is a great thing.

I have always been one to spend more time with family than friends. On Sunday’s, or days when there is vacation, I would always go places with my family and have a good time. The time I would spend with my friends was limited to seeing them at school and going to their houses, or they coming to mine to study for tests. I haven’t really gone out with friends much before.

That all changed yesterday when I spent a fun filled day with Auror. I had decided it was time to get a manicure, Auror offered to go with me to get one, and help me pick a color. So we went, and I had a really great time. I’ve always imagined a manicure to be a quick thing where they just put on nail polish. But here it was really cool how they pamper your nails. Thanks AUROR! Then last night I went to my cousins sheva brachos, where at the end they were serving coffee and tea. I have never drank coffee before. My cousin said they make good cappuccino at the place and I should try it out. So I figured I would give it a try. So I tasted the coffee, and I wasn’t used to hot drinks, so it was weird and I only took 2 sips, but it wasn’t as bad as I imagined coffee to taste. 

The ironic thing is, when Tembow asked me back in February, what I’m waiting for -to drink coffee, I said I’m waiting to get a manicure. I hadn’t even remembered I said that, and then it ended up being the case, where I got a manicure and drank coffee on the same day!

Anger –> Kefira

Previously I had written about how Stealing equals kefira. Now we will look at how Anger equals kefira.

Midah means characteristic and measurement. We are supposed to have a certain measure of each characteristic whether seemingly “good” or “bad”. There are only 2 characteristics that have no upside, and they are jealousy and arrogance.

The only way we can possess anger is if we don’t really feel angry inside. When trying to teach a child or congregation, we may appear angry on the outside. The way we are able to do this is because so long as we don’t feel angry on the inside then it’s not real anger. The child will be able to tell that the parent still loves him in the inside, and he will improve.

When a person is angry, what is the classic line they say? “You make me so mad!”. A person whose angry has lost control, they are allowing the other person to control their emotions.

People choose anger for 3 reasons:

1. To avoid intimacy – “into me see” - with themselves. They are blaming everyone else.
   
   
2. To avoid a relationship with others. Tochacha comes from the word clarify, a person should ask others to explain themselves, calmly. When giving Tochacha you can’t be angry, or else it is pointless. Since the child will just see the anger, and will be afraid to do wrong because “Totty gets angry” rather than because it’s wrong.
   
   
3. To avoid honest relationship with Hashem. They are in essence telling Hashem that things should be run differently.

Kefira is denial, when a person complains about another tzelom elokim they are saying Hashem didn’t do right. Their not noticing that Hashem runs this world and is only good.

Adam complained about Chava, he denied the good in her and was a Kofer. The Meraglim complained about Eretz yisroel and Bnei Yisroel got punished for it with 40 years in the midbar. Complaining is in essence a denial of Hashem, and therefore Hashem punishes for it. Anger is the present day Avoda Zaara, a person is loosing control of themselves, and denying the good in others.

Hashem wants us to change and improve ourselves, so He sends us challenges, with difficult people. If we don’t succeed with one difficult person, then Hashem gives us another chance and sends us another difficult person.

Every morning we wake up because Hashem hasn’t given up on us, so we can change. When we complain we prevent the shefa of Brachos Hashem has for us. So we have to be in control of our anger and realize that everything Hashem does is good, and then we can receive the abundance of good Hashem has in stored for us.

---

R’ Rietti is another gateways speaker who gave a great speech, with his famous humor.

 

FYI: These shiurim are part of the Irgun Shiurai Torah program. If you look to your left you will see the schedule posted onto the sidebar, click the image to expand

In Search of Pleasure

For everything in this world there is a kosher equivalent. There was a great Rabbi whose wife said she wanted milk and meat together. A normal reaction of a husband who hears that would be outrage, to think Chas V’ Shalom what happened to her? How could she think such a thing? But the Rabbi didn’t react that way, instead he went and asked for a cow’s udder. Now she was able to have milk and meat together in a kosher way.

Hashem wants us to have pleasure and enjoy from this world. There are several chazals that prove this.

1. A Nazir brings a Karbon Chatas because he sinned by not enjoying pleasure in this world, the wine.
   
2. If I were to ask you what the first commandment is, you would say it’s when Hashem tells Adam not to eat from the Eitz Hadas. But really that’s not the first commandment. If you look at the posuk it says Hashem commanded Adam to eat.
   
3. Hashem showed Adam and Chava the beautiful world.

If a person doesn’t partake in the pleasures of this world then they have no gratitude. If a person enjoys pleasures of this world then they will be a happier person and easy to get along with.

However, there is a flip side. The more we have pleasure the less we enjoy it. Think of your favorite food, the first time you eat it, it’s like heaven on earth. But if you were to have that food every day then you wouldn’t enjoy it as much. I believe that’s why Hashem gave us boundaries, that’s why there are the Halachos of Nidah, so that it stays a special thing.

Think of this scenario, you are in the freezing cold for 3 1/2 hours, where there is only 25 minutes of action, where you have people standing up in front of you when something happens thereby not allowing you to see anything, where you have to pay for food and there are inaccessible unsanitary bathrooms. It doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience.

Then picture this scenario, you are sitting on your living room couch in front of a Plasma screen TV with the football game on, where you are in the warmth of your own house, where you can see the whole game clearly, where you get any food you want, where the bathroom is available to you and clean. Now this sounds like a pleasant experience.

Now if you ask a person why they would rather go to a football game than watch the game in the living room, they will say they go for the experience of being part of a large group. During the football game the people will cheer to “J-E-T-S” or whichever team they are going for, this is to remind them that they are part of the group. They will also do the “wave” for the same reason.

If you open a cookbook and take a look at a recipe, you won’t see it saying to take a steak and cook it, rather you will see lists of ingredients that you combine to form a recipe.

→ At this time I would like to point out that A Mother In Israel started a relatively new blog, called Cooking Manager with great tips on cooking. Leora has a great collection of recipes as does Ilana Davita a great collection of recipes. 

Same with music, there are various notes, voices and instruments that are combined together to form a beautiful harmony.

When two people love each other, you have two bodies with one soul.

The essence of all these examples, is unity.

People who are patriotic for their country, do it because they want to feel the unity. Being a part of something gives us pleasure. I will take this time to point out that being a blogger is also an example of being part of a whole – the blogosphere, and it gives me great pleasure to be a part of such a great thing.

→ Mike In Midwood has a great creative post called Chaim Snyder which is a great example for two of the points made so far. The first being there is a Kosher version of everything, hence the post is about Chaim Snyder being the Kosher version of Harry Potter. The second being people like to be part of a large group, since lots of people have read/watched Harry Potter, other people want to also, because then they belong to the group of Harry Potter readers/watchers/fans.

The Torah starts with the letter Bais, it has two pointers, one points up to Hashem who created us. The second points down, to before the creation of people where there was oneness. With the creation of people there became Bais, “twoness”, where we feel a separation from the Aleph, Hashem. As a correction we try to seek pleasure with Hashem.

There is a pleasure we get from putting together a puzzle, where we are building something. All pleasure if used in the right way can lead us in the direction of unity with Hashem. The more we experience unity, we get closer to Hashem.

We all know the famous story, where a man came to Hillel and asked to him to explain to him the Torah on one foot. Hillel said “What is hateful to you, don’t to unto your friend, and the rest is commentary”. Now how can we explain this?

One explanation:

There are 3 categories of a friend. 1- Hashem: Yedid Nefesh. 2- Fellow Jew. 3- Neshama- our closes friend. The Torah is all about those 3 types of friends.

Second explanation:

The purpose of the world is for a person to become similar to Hashem – Tzelem Elokim, so the Torah tells us how.

When you think to yourself “What do I want”, the I could mean different things. In the highest scenario, it would play out like this:

I = body and soul, friends and family, and all of the Jewish People.

This is where all the pleasures come together. The pleasure for yourself and others is the essence of Torah, unity, to bridge with others.

It says on “that day” Hashem will be one and His name will be one. Now why does it need to say both? Because now we read Hashem’s name differently from the way it is written. At “that time” Hashem’s name will be read the way it is written. The reason we read it differently now, is because we don’t see what we know, we don’t see Hashem clearly.

To recap, we are supposed to have pleasure in this world. We like to feel unity. This leads us to be closer with Hashem. Therefore, every time we do an action we should see if it will bring unity or not.

---

I have to say there is nothing like the real thing. R’ Becher was hilarious, try to get his CD/Tape or listen to it online once it comes out.

FYI: These shiurim are part of the Irgun Shiurai Torah program. If you look to your left you will see the schedule posted onto the sidebar, click the image to expand.

What it Means to be a Proud Jew

If you notice on my sidebar in the “About Me” section of this blog, I wrote “I am a proud Jew”. Now what does that mean? I went to a shiur by R’ Dishon a few weeks ago and he spoke about this topic.

Every single Jew that’s alive makes up a part of Hashem’s name Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay. Now when someone is niftar, there is a gap in the name, a part of the name is missing. So the niftar’s children say Kadish for him. Now what is Kadish? I would of imagined it would say something about death, and passing on. But it doesn’t mention death once. What is it all about? it’s all about Hashem. This is because, since there is a gap in Hashem’s name from the person who was niftar, by saying Kadish a person is saying there’s a Hashem, and that makes up for the gap that is missing, so that Hashem’s name can be complete again.

Since each person is part of Hashem’s name, each house has the Shchina in it, and each house is a Mishkan for Hashem. Now that is why it is important for the house to have kedusha in it, so that the Shchina can rest there, and you can receive brachos. It is the Wife’s job to make sure the house has kedusha in it.

Now, to combine 2 shiurim in one. R’ Veiner spoke about “Family Security”. Which was about the internet. He said if you have internet you should get filters and a reporting system. He would be available for anyone, if they have no one else to feel uncomfortable towards.

Since a house is a Mikdash Miat and a place for the Shchina, we don’t want to kick the Shchina out by having tumah in the house. Now Tumah doesn’t mean the internet, but rather what shockingly lots of men are using the internet for. Please be righteous, and use a filter and reporting system, if you can’t trust yourself. Here’s a list that R’ Veiner gave out.

The important thing to remember, is that even if you had made a mistake and done a bad thing before, don’t let the yetzer hora get you down by making you depressed that your a bad person. Hashem gave us Yom Kippur so that we can start over fresh, it’s an amazing thing. So we just have to improve ourselves, and move forward without looking back. We can be good and strive higher even if we have made mistakes in the past.