Ayin Hora

Apparently there really is such a thing as an Ayin Hara-Evil eye. I have never been one to say “bli ayin hora” or “em yirtza Hashem” and other such lines. Now after what happened though, I realize what power an Ayin Hora can have.

It was pre midterm days, and I was saying how I have to study, no matter how much or how little I studied I was confident that I would do well. I would say “I never failed before” So I’m for sure not going to fail this time, I’m not worried about failing, I’m worried about getting a good mark. Little did I know I had opened my mouth to the satan, and lo and behold, I failed! Now with the first midterm, I thought to myself, it’s not because I made an ayin hora, it’s only because of my negligence, and since I was able to get that situation fixed, I wasn’t worried and felt in control again.

Then what happens, time for the next midterm, and lo and behold I fail again! Now I’m thinking to myself, something must be fishy, this doesn’t make sense. Then I remember those words I had said, that made an ayin hora. Now I still feel as though I deserved the failing mark. I learned my lesson not to take classes with friends. They seem to know all the tricks, so they kept saying, it’s such an easy class, your guaranteed a 100. So the whole time they never showed up to class, then they came the class before the test, where the professor handed out a practice test which would be the same exact test as the midterm, except different numbers.

In the beginning of the class, I would pay attention, but then after hearing, that the midterm is on one section which he gives out the test before, I stopped listening in class. I would do other stuff for my other class. So I truly felt like I knew nothing for the test. So the day before the test, I studied the practice exam, and I knew most of it, I just haven’t studied it that well. Then I had to go babysitting, and that interrupted my studying, I figured I would get to continue afterwards, but then my friend got engaged, and I was too excited to study. The next morning, I studied some more, I felt like I basically knew it. But then when it came to the test, I got stuck in the beginning, gave up, and played a guessing game. I figured if I’m supposed to do well then Hashem will help me pick the right answers. At least that was my only hope at that point.

So my professor posted the grades, and he did it by social security number, in alphabetical order, so I guess these classmates had figured out my last 4 digits of my social, cause when I came to class today, they said to me “What happened?” “Why did you do so bad?” they said this pityingly to me. I was not expecting them to know how I did, so I hadn’t prepared an answer for them. What was I going to say? That I failed on purpose because I didn’t think I deserved an easy 100? That I failed because I didn’t want to be stereotyped as smart? That I failed because I went babysitting? Then a guy says, you were sitting right next to me, you should have told me you didn’t know it, and I would have given you my booklet for you to copy. I’m like gee thanks, you really expect me to cheat? But I didn’t say that.

(O, and it’s not because I was busy blogging commenting, because if you notice I’m really behind in that. I think it’s the opposite, if I would have been on top of commenting, then I would have put the same energy into my school work.)

So I was a little upset about all this, and I was getting depressed. My professor said we can’t do any extra work to make up our grade. He said 23 out of 39 people in the class got A’s. And 13 out of 39 got 100. Now I really felt stupid. 5 people failed, and I was one of them. But it was an enlightening experience, I needed this to happen to me, so I can know what it feels like to fail, and have everyone else bragging about their easy 100’s. But at least I still have hope, the final is my last chance, I need to get a 100 on that to get a decent mark.

Then Hashem did a Chesed, He saved the good news for last, so that I will remain happy for the rest of the day. When I went to the next class, I got back my Jewish test and I got a 98!. Now everyone else had done poorly, and because I remembered what it was like to be the failing one, I knew not to brag about my mark, and to feel more for them, so that they shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. When a guy asked me what I got, he asked if I got a 100, I said no, then he tried guessing, every time I said no, because I knew he said he did poorly, and I didn’t want him to feel bad about his mark, when he knew that I did well.