Thursday, January 22, 2009

Chinuch Habonim

In the previous post I said I enjoyed reading parenting and marriage books. So in the previous post I discussed marriage rules, and now I’ll copy over some parenting rules.

This is from a speech I went to by R' Brezak on August 8, 2006, it was a question answer kind of a shiur, but he asked all the questions that he had received previously and he had gotten answers to them from great gadolim. These are only some of them that I had remembered.

Q: My 13 year old by mezomin, he answers to himself and doesn't want to answer out loud, what should I do?

  • you Can't embarrass the kid, there’s a story of child who was embarrassed by a Rebbi and it caused him to go off the derech for 20 years
  • Mouthing is enough, 2 is enough
  • Mezumin- Derabonin, embarrass- deoraisa

Q: My 3 year old turns on the lights on shabbos

  • You only have to say something if the child could make the connection between turning off the lights and chilul shabbos.
  • You Can't hit a child for chilul shabbos
  • If you hit a child they'll just become immune to it, and then you will have to hit harder

Q: My 4 year old is stealing

  • Don't punish him he probably doesn't know better, learn mussar with him
  • Even the chofetz chaim at age 5 stole, but he didn't know better, once he knew then he returned the apple he stole
  • Make them do chesed
  • Make them Apologize to store owner every time they steal
  • Sometimes children steal because there is an Emotional void and their not given enough love

Q: can I give my child a Pigi back ride, or will he lose respect for me?

  • Have to respect the kid and then they'll respect you, if you control your emotions then the child will respect you, so yes, you can give piggy back rides and you won't lose respect from your child.

Q: Older brother picking on younger brother, he pulled out a chair from under his younger brother and caused him to fall, want to cancel the trip he is supposed to go on as a punishment

  • Looking at symptom don't ignore the problem, he’s doing this for a reason, he is jealous of his younger brother, try to take walks with him or spend one on one time together
  • Never cancel trip, its like for a child a toy boat sinking in bath tub is like a ship in ocean sinking for adult, it means the world to them

Q: child Spills cheerios and makes messes

  • Have child come up with solution to punishment, he should clean it up
  • But don't get angry at the child, make a serious face show that your not happy with him doing that, and if he doesn't get the attention he wanted he'll stop doing it

Q: child keeps Nagging afraid to give in cause then word doesn't mean anything

  • Reevaluate the situation, consider what the child wants
    If wrong then its wrong and don't give in
  • Nothing wrong with letting kids have candy, but don't give in to every tantrum a child has, have to be firm

Here are some points he mentioned:

  • A story where a Father smacked his child very often, the child became chasidish cause he didn't want any association with his father
  • Forcing your glasses on your child won't help, you can't force a child to see through your perspective.
  • Can't use same methods as did in previous generation, because nowadays everybody wants everything now, have to use a different approach
  • Child gets his self image from his father, if you don't show approval for them then they won't have self confidence.


Moshe said...

Crap, gotta stop smacking Shlomik before he turns chasidish. Thanks for the warning. ;-)

AmIaFrumFeminist said...

Oy, nebach. He turned Chassidish because his father hit him.

Is that such a tragedy?

Moshe said...

Of course it is! How can he come for Pesach if he's not gonna eat gebrochts!

nmf #7 said...

On a serious note- if you read R' Sheinberg's book for women, he recommends firmly to absolutely never hit your child unless he's doing something totally dangerous, like sticking his hand near an oven, or running into the street. He says our generation is much weaker than earlier generations, and can't handle hitting, because it causes severe fears and emotional problems nowadays.
I'm not saying I totally agree with that- but it does make sense.
A wise person once said to me- if you can count on your two hands the number of times you've been potched in your lifetime, then that's perfect.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

Moshe: lol :-) Your welcome!

AmIAFrumFeminist: The tragedy isn't that the child became chassidish, but rather that the child didn't want any association with his father, so he felt he had to change his customs so as not to be recognized with his father.

Moshe:Chassidish people aren't the only ones who don't eat Gebrucks. My family doesn't eat Gebrucks and we're not Chassidish.

NMF#7: right, I once heard that before, to only hit if its serious. It does make sense, and that sounds like wise words.

Dude with hat (aka BTS) said...

Had this one starred in google reader for reading.

Very interesting and gives some points to think on. But the main point is there's something not right in the family in most of cases.

@Moshe - yeah man, don't play with kids...

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

BTS: but these are normal cases that come up a lot.

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